Baggage Check

It’s easy to feel completely in control of your emotional life when you’re single.  Although life is never without its complications, yours truly has hardly ever felt emotionally out of control as a single woman.  In fact, I have often taken pride in having rational, non-emotional responses in a lot of situations where other people would have lost their marbles.  Flying off the handle, I thought, was for other lesser beings.

Enter Ben. 

Ben is a wonderful guy I started dating a few weeks back.  Let’s just say that on the grand scale of things, I have no reason to be angry at him.  Well, hardly ever.  Ben is a well-intentioned man who I have been friends with for a long time.  And dating him has made me realize that there was something to the old adage that the best friendships make the best relationships.  Because I have known Ben long before he ever wanted to get in my pants, I trust him in a way that I never trusted my ex, who saw me as a sperm receptacle from day one.  All this is to say that I usually don’t have any reason to doubt or be angry at the poor guy.

I recently returned from an amazing vacation to Cancun with some college friends.  Much to my surprise, Ben offered to take me to the airport and pick me up.  Since he was never one to be punctual, I told Ben right at the onset that tardiness is a major pet-peeve of mine.  And to his credit, he hasn’t been late (for the most part) ever since.

Ben was punctual when taking me to the airport.  He was also on time when picking me up.  Sort of.  While I was on vacation, my girlfriends started saying, "Maybe he'll he bring flowers for you at the airport? Or have a present waiting for you!" My immediate response was laughter.  Flowers?  I’d be lucky if the guy wasn’t 30 minutes late.  But as I was on the flight back home, my girlfriends got to me and I began to wonder – Would he be waiting for me with red roses in the distance? Would he be holding a box of my favorite cupcakes? Then, my mind wandered even further . . . would the guy even be standing at baggage claim waiting for me?  Or was he going to be like my platonic male friends who always used to pick me up outside by the curb?

I got my bag and cleared customs.  I walked out to the waiting area.  No Ben.  I then walked out onto the curb.  No Ben.  I called Ben.  No answer.  And before I knew it, I could feel a hot, angry rush of blood going up my neck and into my temples and ears.  I texted him a relatively snarky note:  “Ben, did you forget to pick me up from the airport?  If so, kindly advise within 20 minutes and I will make alternative arrangements.” 

Feeling rejected and disappointed, I turned away to go sit on a bench off of baggage claim.  Then I heard Ben yelling at me from his car.  I walked over and as if to add insult to injury, he didn’t even get out of the car to help me with my bag.  I had to shove the bag into his trunk myself and, let's be honest, at this point, I was mad as hell.  Why was I dating this guy again?

Needless to say, I started off what should have been a happy reunion basically barking at him.  Unknowingly, he asked me, “Why are you so mad?”  After dancing around the issue, I found myself saying in utter frustration, “I have abandonment issues, okay?!?!”  I was so humiliated that I didn’t even talk about how I didn’t like how he didn’t appreciate him making me haul my own luggage into the trunk.

Let’s put this all into perspective.  All that Ben knows is that he was circling the airport for 25 minutes before I finally made it into the car.  He was at the airport (on time) when my flight landed even though I didn’t call him the entire time I was in Cancun (yes, despite my better judgment, I was testing him).  And only 5 minutes lapsed between the time I cleared customs to the time I was sitting in his car.  I know that in Ben's mind, he did everything right -- from volunteering to pick me up at the airport to excitedly yelling my name with anticipation when he first caught a glimpse of me in the distance. How is he supposed to know that while I was in Cancun I dreamed up how great it would have been for him to wait for me at baggage claim with a fresh bouquet of flowers -- I didn't even know I expected that till my girlfriends put the damn thought in my head to begin with, so how should he?! If I know all this, then why was I, the self-professed queen of emotional control, yelling at this poor, sweet man? 

Baggage, women.  It turns out that relationships expose all the weirdness that you could usually muffle around your friends and colleagues, perhaps even your own family.  Sitting out on the curb at LAX for those few minutes suddenly turned me into that 7 year old who had been recently abandoned by her father. Does it make sense?  Absolutely not.  Is it fair to Ben? No way.  Is it human?  It sure is!

What should you do in this kind of situation?  Be cognizant of your own baggage.  What seems to set you off?  What significant life experiences do you have which could affect your romantic relationships?  When you see yourself acting nuts, take a step back and ask yourself what’s at the root of your fury – is your baggage affecting you?  Then when you’ve had time to think about it, talk about it with your man.  On an evening stroll this weekend with Ben, I asked him to step in and help me out the next time I’m carrying something heavy -- like luggage.  He said he would.  It was not a big deal.  There was no need for me to be mad.

When you’ve been single for a long time, it’s easy to avoid your baggage.  And although avoidance might be a good survival tactic in certain situations, it's completely ineffective where baggage is concerned.  You need to be aware of your baggage so you can ultimately overcome it and have a healthy, loving relationship.  So date away, ladies.  But be less angry.  Be more mindful.  Practice self-control.  And know your baggage. It’ll pay off.

Ms. Taken?

SPWs are usually on the lookout for Mr. Right so they can make that fated walk down the aisle.  An engagement ring would clearly come in handy sometimes.  We were perusing the web when we found a product so cute it was worth mentioning.  This little product lets you reap the rewards of putting a ring on it without the strings attached – at least for the time being.

You might be leaving LA to interview for a job in NYC when the interviewer asks you what your ties to the city are.  While NYC is indeed the epicenter of finance, interviewers sometimes don’t think that’s enough to “tie” you to the city.  Instead, a lot of employers simply won’t hire unless your mom and dad live in Brooklyn and your fiancé just got a job transfer here.  The unfair part of this all is that while moving to the city that will best further your career is not enough, moving to NYC to follow your fiancé is. Double standards riddle the life of every SPW, and while it isn’t fair, you might still be able to outsmart the system.

Before you go and get engaged to some random guy prior to boarding a plane to that job interview, let us introduce you to an ingenious little invention – the Ms. Taken ring.  The ring (2 carats of Australian crystal set in a stainless steel band) is packaged in a discreet keychain so that it’s handy when you need to use it.  Slip it on as you jump out of the cab to your interview.  Tell them about your fabulous credentials and your “ties” to the city.  After the interview, toss the sucker back into the keychain.  At least this time, you will get a fair shake at the job without being punished for being a SPW looking to make a good career move.  After all, the fiancé can be broken up with at any time.

Let’s say you find yourself at a bar later on that night and some loser is getting a little too close for comfort, you can pop the ring back on and tell the bugger that you’re taken – sorry!  While we know you can pick up a fake ring for less than $10 at Claire’s, we thought this Ms. Taken ring was too clever to not give a shout-out to,  The name is darling, the website is hilarious, and while we haven’t bought the ring ourselves, we’re pretty sure it won’t turn your finger green.  Also, the fact that it comes in that keychain means you don’t have to dig around for it when that loser at the bar is breathing his hot, smelly breath in your ear (let’s face it, sometimes every second counts!).  You can just as easily put it back into its little keychain when a hottie comes around to the bar, too.  Even if you're not interested in getting the ring, the website itself is pretty hilarious.  Check it out!