Dear M&J: Online (Not) Dating

Dear M&J,

I'm a professional woman who just turned 30 recently. I work long hours and find it very hard to make time to date. After a particularly long dating drought (seriously, it's been over a year), my friends convinced me to join eHarmony for 3 months. Turns out, it’s been a bust so far. First, there are the guys that are not even slightly attractive to me, who I delete immediately (what’s up with all the overweight dudes on there?). And there are the ones that I’m scared to communicate with but interested enough not to close out -- the 38 year old lawyer who lives an hour and a half away from me, the chubby finance guy who otherwise seems like a good match, and the really hot guy who I know would never go for me. Whenever I start communicating and send my special eHarmony questions to them (you send pre-drafted questions first before moving on to open communication), their responses suck and a lot of them can't spell to save their lives! I have yet to venture out on a date with anyone from eHarmony. Am I doing something wrong? How can I make this online dating thing translate into an actual date?

~Online (NOT) Dating

OND, we have to commend you for following your friends' advice and taking a little stroll into the world of online dating. When you're working long hours and making time for meeting Mr. Right just isn't possible, it's a smart move to go online. Today, online dating is a normal, socially acceptable form of dating and more and more professionals are hitting the web to find their mate. We know plenty of people who have gotten married after meeting online, so we give you a virtual pat on the back for gettin’ out there.

Online dating has some serious advantages to the face-to-face dates of yesteryear. First off, you can screen potential dates whenever you have free time -- whether it’s at 5am for 20 minutes before you head off to work or at 11pm for an hour while wearing pajamas and eating leftover Thai takeout. You don't have to spend hours picking the perfect outfit or doing your hair when you hop onto eHarmony to evaluate your matches. We also love how thorough eHarmony profiles can be, covering everything from a guy’s profession to his religious preference and interests. It's the equivalent of walking into your neighborhood bar wearing an invisible cloak and having a sign on every man’s back listing his most crucial stats. By having eHarmony’s matching system pick your guys, you avoid having to stop every 5th guy on the street to see if you click or not.

Let’s focus on your approach to online dating. You talk about the guys that are not attractive to you that you delete immediately -- huge mistake. The problem with dinging all the somewhat-uglies is that looks have no correlation to a man’s character. A handsome man won’t necessarily equate to a quality boyfriend/husband. Even if a guy doesn't look like he's your type, he might be so amazingly funny and charming that it’ll make up for his lack of good looks. Ever feel the overwhelming urge to close a guy out because he’s wearing the world’s LOUDEST Hawaiian shirt in his profile picture? Not so fast! The guy’s favorite little niece may have brought back the hideous shirt as a souvenir for him from Hawaii and while he dons suits all day, that Hawaiian shirt may have sentimental value to him. The crazy shirt becomes sort of adorable at that point, don’t you think?

You also talk about the 38-year-old lawyer who doesn't live particularly close to you. He might be older than the guys you usually date, but how do you know you won't connect in a way that will make age insignificant? And, yes, he might live an hour and a half away, but maybe when you meet him you'll learn that he actually works in your city and only goes "home" certain weekends until he can sell his place and buy something closer to work. You don’t really know all this until you dig a little deeper.

As for the “really hot guy” that you think won’t go for you, we have two bits of advice for you. First, we must shake you. Why the feelings of inadequacy? Send the guy a few questions! Capitalize on the fact that this is all virtual and the worst possible thing that can happen is he’ll close you out. Big whoop – move on to the next match on your list. Second, we must urge you to avoid going only for the hotties. You can mix the gorgeous fella in with that 38 year old lawyer and a few not-so-hotties, but don’t limit yourself! Chances are high that the hot guys are getting more attention from other women on eHarmony so competition is going to be stiff. And if the guy has tons of lovin’ coming from every angle, he’s less likely to (1) respond to you in the first place and (2) be down to committing to you if you do hit it off. You don’t have to go on a search for Mr. Fugly, but definitely consider more than just the profile picture when deciding who to date.

As far as the answers to the questions go, we’re going to have to tell you to keep on truckin’, toots. If you’re freaking out over a guy’s lack of gusto in his responses to your questions, remember not everybody has the gift of the written word. The not-so-great speller might be an analytical genius who writes computer code and is on his way to becoming the next VP of a software engineering firm. The guy with the crappy grammar may have learned English as his second language and be full of amazing life experiences to share about his home country (French countryside, anybody?). Of course, if the answers the guy gives you are completely antithetical to what a proper human should be giving, close the guy out and keep going. You’ll have 5-10 more matches in your inbox tomorrow anyway. Sometimes, you just have to sort through a bunch of guys to find the one that’s going to be great for you. Online dating takes patience.

Now when you make it to a real date, chances are it will take more than one date to really know if there is anything worth pursuing there. When you interview for a job, you usually have callbacks or multiple interviews. If even corporate America is giving candidates a second look, you should definitely be giving your possible Mr. Rights a second chance to woo you (absent heinous behavior, of course). After the second or third date, feel free to say sayonara if you aren’t feeling him.

Don’t be discouraged, OND! Things are going to work out. And when you become an eHarmony success story, let us know!