Dear M&J: To Settle, or Not to Settle

Dear M&J,

I’m a 32 year old professional woman and I’m approaching the one year mark on my relationship.  My boyfriend is a great guy and I know he loves me, but he’s not everything I’ve ever wanted in a husband.  Lately, talk has been moving towards moving in together and eventual marriage.  Prior to this relationship, I dated the guy I thought I was going to marry for 4 years before it all blew up in my face.  I love my boyfriend and know he’s a good man, but I’m still not sure he’s “the one.”  All my friends are getting married or having kids and I feel like I’m running out of time to start a family.  I can’t stand to be in another long-term relationship only to have it go nowhere, but I don’t know if I can just toss this relationship aside in the hope that some better guy exists out there for me.  Do I settle for my boyfriend and forget about possibly doing better?

-          To Settle, or Not to Settle

Hi there, TSONTS.  There are a lot of women out there in the same predicament as you.  Once we pass the age of 30, dating takes a whole new spin.  While dating for 4 years when you’re 26 is fun and carefree, a long-term relationship at 30 is like gambling at the high stakes poker table in Vegas.  If things work out, jackpot!  You enter a relationship where you’re older and wiser – your maturity makes you a better girlfriend and life partner.  However, if things don’t work out and you wind up breaking up with some asshole at the age of 34 after 4 years of dating, that’s 4 years you should have spent getting married and having kids (like the rest of your friends).

We get it - you feel like you’re running out of time.  You have a man in your life that’s by and large great, but you wonder if he’s really “it” and as time continues to tick on by, your uncertainty is making you lose patience.  You’ve also invested a lot of time into your ex-boyfriend, which in retrospect seems like a huge mistake.  Even though your guy does not fit every criteria you hoped for in a mate, your past dating experiences make you uneasy about jumping back into the single life.

So when should you stick with the guy you’re with and when should you let him go?  First off, you have to realize that nobody’s perfect.  It’s a damn shame, but what can you do?  Second, while (once in a blue moon) men will change a few choice things about themselves once they start dating, we have yet to hear of a man undergoing permanent and significant changes in his character, integrity, or personality absent life-altering adversity or tragedy.  When it comes to men, change is the exception, not the rule.

Let’s figure out if your boyfriend is a good man with a few flaws (we all have them!), or a band-aid you’ve put over the wound your last relationship left behind.

Step 1 - We know it’s going to feel silly, but write down everything you love and hate about your boyfriend.  Everything.  One column for things you hate, one column for things you love.  Clearly, if you can’t think of too many things to put under the “love” column, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Step 2 - Now it’s time to put the lists to work.  Next to each item, put down a (1) if it’s: (a) something that has no bearing on the kind of human being/potential husband he is; (b) purely cosmetic; or (c) something that will likely disappear/adjust over time.  Put down a (2) next to items that are deeply embedded inner qualities – these go to the core of his character and are highly unlikely to change with time (or your incessant prodding). 

Step 3 - Go through your lists and cross off any item that you marked with a (1).  If you have a lot of (2)s in the “love” column and few to none in the “hate" column, chances are you’ve got yourself a keeper.  You need to figure out what’s behind your fear of committing to this guy.  Do you have unrealistic expectations?  Are you ready to be a live-in girlfriend or wife?  Even if you feel like you should settle down, that doesn’t mean you want to.  Now if the (2)s in the “hate” column greatly outnumber the (2)s in the “love” column, you’ve got to decide if you’re willing to put up with these things forever so you can settle down now, as opposed to a few years down the line with someone else.  Remember, while it’s harder to get pregnant when you’re older, “harder” does not mean “impossible.”  But once you procreate with the wrong man, that is a permanent move.  The stork does not accept babies for return or exchange based on dissatisfaction with your selected mate.

Our book has a whole chapter dedicated to this issue. Hopefully, we will get published soon and on the shelves so you can plug your boyfriend into one of the worksheets we’ve got for analysis.  Till then, good luck!

M&J