Dear M&J: To Settle, or Not to Settle

Dear M&J,

I’m a 32 year old professional woman and I’m approaching the one year mark on my relationship.  My boyfriend is a great guy and I know he loves me, but he’s not everything I’ve ever wanted in a husband.  Lately, talk has been moving towards moving in together and eventual marriage.  Prior to this relationship, I dated the guy I thought I was going to marry for 4 years before it all blew up in my face.  I love my boyfriend and know he’s a good man, but I’m still not sure he’s “the one.”  All my friends are getting married or having kids and I feel like I’m running out of time to start a family.  I can’t stand to be in another long-term relationship only to have it go nowhere, but I don’t know if I can just toss this relationship aside in the hope that some better guy exists out there for me.  Do I settle for my boyfriend and forget about possibly doing better?

-          To Settle, or Not to Settle

Hi there, TSONTS.  There are a lot of women out there in the same predicament as you.  Once we pass the age of 30, dating takes a whole new spin.  While dating for 4 years when you’re 26 is fun and carefree, a long-term relationship at 30 is like gambling at the high stakes poker table in Vegas.  If things work out, jackpot!  You enter a relationship where you’re older and wiser – your maturity makes you a better girlfriend and life partner.  However, if things don’t work out and you wind up breaking up with some asshole at the age of 34 after 4 years of dating, that’s 4 years you should have spent getting married and having kids (like the rest of your friends).

We get it - you feel like you’re running out of time.  You have a man in your life that’s by and large great, but you wonder if he’s really “it” and as time continues to tick on by, your uncertainty is making you lose patience.  You’ve also invested a lot of time into your ex-boyfriend, which in retrospect seems like a huge mistake.  Even though your guy does not fit every criteria you hoped for in a mate, your past dating experiences make you uneasy about jumping back into the single life.

So when should you stick with the guy you’re with and when should you let him go?  First off, you have to realize that nobody’s perfect.  It’s a damn shame, but what can you do?  Second, while (once in a blue moon) men will change a few choice things about themselves once they start dating, we have yet to hear of a man undergoing permanent and significant changes in his character, integrity, or personality absent life-altering adversity or tragedy.  When it comes to men, change is the exception, not the rule.

Let’s figure out if your boyfriend is a good man with a few flaws (we all have them!), or a band-aid you’ve put over the wound your last relationship left behind.

Step 1 - We know it’s going to feel silly, but write down everything you love and hate about your boyfriend.  Everything.  One column for things you hate, one column for things you love.  Clearly, if you can’t think of too many things to put under the “love” column, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Step 2 - Now it’s time to put the lists to work.  Next to each item, put down a (1) if it’s: (a) something that has no bearing on the kind of human being/potential husband he is; (b) purely cosmetic; or (c) something that will likely disappear/adjust over time.  Put down a (2) next to items that are deeply embedded inner qualities – these go to the core of his character and are highly unlikely to change with time (or your incessant prodding). 

Step 3 - Go through your lists and cross off any item that you marked with a (1).  If you have a lot of (2)s in the “love” column and few to none in the “hate" column, chances are you’ve got yourself a keeper.  You need to figure out what’s behind your fear of committing to this guy.  Do you have unrealistic expectations?  Are you ready to be a live-in girlfriend or wife?  Even if you feel like you should settle down, that doesn’t mean you want to.  Now if the (2)s in the “hate” column greatly outnumber the (2)s in the “love” column, you’ve got to decide if you’re willing to put up with these things forever so you can settle down now, as opposed to a few years down the line with someone else.  Remember, while it’s harder to get pregnant when you’re older, “harder” does not mean “impossible.”  But once you procreate with the wrong man, that is a permanent move.  The stork does not accept babies for return or exchange based on dissatisfaction with your selected mate.

Our book has a whole chapter dedicated to this issue. Hopefully, we will get published soon and on the shelves so you can plug your boyfriend into one of the worksheets we’ve got for analysis.  Till then, good luck!

M&J

Dear M & J

As word spreads about our book and, now, this blog, we have more and more conversations with SPW about their dating dilemmas. Should she stay with him even though he's told her repeatedly that he doesn't want to have kids? Should she keep visiting him 2 hours away (for the 14th time) when he's only visited her once (and he already had other plans bringing him into the city)? Should she settle for him because he's overall pretty okay or cut things off and venture back into that deep unknown that is the dating world? 

While we can write blog entries until our fingertips blister on dating issues we come across every day (in the media or in person), we would love to deal with the dating issues that are on your mind. Hence, the birth of "Dear M&J." You send us a "letter" - i.e., an email (mythofprincecharming@gmail.com), a blog post (anonymous or not) or a facebook post -- and we will anonymously post your question and respond with what we think you should do. Not only will you get an unbiased third party opinion on the course of action you should take, but you'll have the opportunity to benefit from comments left on the blog by other SPW, some who might have gone or are actually going through exactly what you are.  It's like asking your best friend what to do, but better; there are two of us and we don't know you, so you're sure to get the 100% truth from us each and every time. 

Can't wait to hear from you! 

You Can't Judge a Book by Its Cover

Ladies! How does this guy sound?

• 34 years old.
• Attractive, lean muscular build, roughly 6' tall and 180 lbs.
• Attended a university ranked 16th in the world, majoring in economics before hitting it big and leaving college to pursue his career.
• Runs his own successful company, with revenues exceeding $100 million in 2009.
• Owns several homes and a yacht.

Would you say those are the stats of a bachelor you wouldn't mind making your boyfriend (or maybe even husband)? Well, not so fast my friend. Remember when you learned in elementary school that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover? Well the same applies here.

Now, some of you Single Professional Women (“SPW”) see this guy’s resume and swoon. To you, ”he” is the perfect man. Educated, wealthy, successful, good looking, and fairly young. Not only would you go on a date with this guy, but many of you would start "operation engagement," a mission with one goal - getting this guy to put a ring on your finger as quickly as possible.

Others of you aren’t so easily persuaded by this guy’s stats. After all, you don’t need to hunt for Mr. Moneybags. You’ve worked your asses off to get to where you are and can take care of yourselves. While a guy would be nice, you don't need a guy to put food on the table (or cute shoes in your closet) and you sure as heck aren’t the type to ever subscribe to http://sugardaddie.com . You SPW are clearly not gold diggers, but plenty of SPW (perhaps even you - gasp!), have specific professional credentials that a potential guy must fulfill before he will even be given the time of day. Some SPW admit they are searching for a doctor - period. Others are more open-minded and will accept doctors, lawyers, and men in the higher ranks of the business world (aren't they kind?). To all of you, we reveal who this man is:

The credentials listed above belong to none other than Tiger Woods. That's right, Tiger Woods, the once famous, now infamous, golf legend, husband, and father of two.

What Tiger’s stats (or similar ones for any guy you date or might prospectively meet) don't reveal is the character that man possesses. A guy can be intelligent, wealthy, and powerful but still be a horrible marriage prospect. Tiger had a plethora of affairs despite being legally committed to his (totally hot) wife. He has two kids and even those two children were not reason enough for him to curb his behavior. And yet, none of Tiger’s dysfunction is apparent in any way from the information above.

Careers and professional achievements say nothing about the type of person the man actually is -- is he honest? Loyal? Humorous? Caring? Affectionate? Who knows!?! It would take at least a couple of dates to figure out what this "accomplished" guy is all about. Running through guy after guy to come to those conclusions equals a lot of time wasted dating losers that could have been avoided with more serious dating criteria.

So, think about the metrics you're forcing your potential Mr. Right to meet. A great job does not guarantee quality marriage material. After all, you can be married to a neurosurgeon and live in a huge mansion and yet be painfully lonely because your husband works so damn much. Yes, if you were at a cocktail party people would be impressed with your husband's credentials, but ask yourself if that would really matter if you ate dinner by your lonesome every night?

Instead of being a woman who only chases after men with a particular job or income level, why not set priority #1 to be solid character? Is the guy kind and considerate to the people around him? If a prospective date is rich and handsome on top of being kind and thoughtful, then great! But don’t let shallow criteria get in between you and Mr. Right. While Tiger’s pedigree and annual income would have its perks, let’s face it – all those perks do not trump the fact that his penis gets more use than his golf clubs.