30 Rock

If you watched 30 Rock last week, you witnessed Liz trying to change her single status by forcing herself to join every ridiculous and humiliating singles activity offered by her local YMCA. Whether it was line dancing or dodge ball, Liz forced herself to go because she figured that if she put herself out there enough, she’d find her Mr. Right. Meanwhile, Jack made no such extra effort and had his choice of not one, but two women.

Is this a simple tale of “the world is unfair for single women?” Perhaps. Nobody will doubt that single men seem to have a far easier time dating than single women. However, we mention this episode because there was a surprisingly good tidbit of advice from the show - so good that we thought any dating woman could benefit from it. As Jack was listening to Liz sound off about her dating woes, he simply said, "Lemon, I am successful romantically because I am confident, open and positive. You are negative, pessimistic, and in danger of becoming permanently sour."

This take-away is simple - You can go to every singles activity you can possibly fit into your day and take up your friends on every set-up they can muster, but if you don’t have the right attitude when you’re out there, you’re wasting your time. If you’re going to go out with a lousy attitude, you might as well be at home catching up on your DVR.

So for one, try to make eye contact with a few guys in the room. Eye contact is a subtle way to make a connection with somebody and gives guys a little sign that you notice them. Men aren’t fond of rejection, so a little eye contact or a smile can let them know you probably won’t shoot them down if they come over to chat. Also, be friendly. Speak up, say hello, initiate some conversation. "Putting yourself out there" doesn't mean just the physical act of going out; it means also being open to talking to people and seeing what they’re all about. You’re not being desperate, you’re just being friendly and getting to know people. If a guy doesn’t even have the civility to be receptive to your friendliness, well, then, he’s just an asshole. You can thank him for being so honest & not wasting your time.

Men aren't the smartest creatures, but you don't have to be uber-perceptive to pick up on that bitchy, all-men-in-the-universe-suck vibe that can rise to the surface after one too many epic fails at love. If you let that negativity define you, you will end up in a vicious cycle where your attitude alone will perpetuate your inability to find a decent man. Don't assume you know what each guy is about before he even opens his mouth. Squash the urge to judge a man in the first 5 minutes of meeting him. Give him a chance. It's called dating for a reason. Why not go on some dates and figure out if Mr. Suit and Tie is worth a long term investment?

Follow Jack's advice. Be "confident, open and positive." Putting on the right attitude is even more important than what clothes you put on when you go out looking for Mr. Right. So, while you're agonizing over what dress to wear, put some thought into your mindset, too. Even if the dress isn't exactly right, if your attitude is, you're bound to score a great guy in no time!

The Allure of the Bad Boy

The celebrity buzz lately has focused on Sandra Bullock’s shocking discovery that her husband, Jesse James, has been cheating on her with a tattoo model (and perhaps others).

Sandra was blindsided by the news just ten days after her emotional Oscar win for Best Actress. Sandra is wildly successful, undoubtedly attractive (she even looked good when crashing totally nude into the ever-delicious Ryan Reynolds in “The Proposal,” no?), and she has been described by countless people as the “anti-diva.” Why would anybody cheat on somebody as magnificent as her? In fact, why is it that some of the world’s most beautiful and successful women get cheated on? (Think Halle Berry and Reese Witherspoon).

We won’t be so presumptuous as to say we know exactly why and we’re not going to cop out and blame the notorious “Oscar Curse." Obviously, we don’t personally know what goes on in the minds of any of the douchebags that have cheated on some of our favorite women and we haven’t experienced the dynamics of each of their relationships. But we can derive a little nugget of advice for all you SPW out there. We know bad boys are hot. Really hot. We know you think that your sex appeal/charm/feminine wiles are going to change him into an edgier version of Prince Charming. Well, snap out of it - steer clear of that bad boy!

Let’s keep it simple - “bad boy” is a euphemism for “attractive asshole.” He may be attractive, but he’s still an asshole. You can’t hang around an asshole for too long before you get shat upon.

Keep in mind that a bad boy also has his nice moments. Nobody’s 100% bad. In early interviews, Sandra was quoted by People magazine saying "[She] ha[s] [her] family, and it's the family that some higher power put in [her] path.” Clearly, that statement came during a particularly happy time in her marriage when Jesse was on his best behavior.

How can you tell if a guy is a bad boy or not? Well, it can be really easy to spot – his sexual history encompasses half the female population, he tells you he prefers flings over real relationships, and he doesn’t do things when he says he will. You wouldn’t put up with a guy that did all these things if he looked like Screech, so why put up with it just because he’s a hottie? And if it’s any consolation, chances are when they’re 55, Screech and Jesse James won’t look a whole lot different from each other.

Sometimes the bad boy isn’t as easy to spot. In this case, we suggest you take a look at his track record. All actions have consequences, and not many people can go around living a life of debauchery and deceit without a few carcasses lying on the side of the road. Jesse James is a tatted up motorcycle tycoon with three kids who, surprisingly, owns an organic fast-food joint. At first glance, not necessarily the worst guy, right? Now, if Sandra had taken a bit of a closer look, she would have seen that Jesse James has bedded a ton of women, and for heaven’s sake, he was married to a friggin’ porn star before Sandy! We’re relatively sure that a look into Jesse James’ past would have had at least a few blaring red lights that would have caught her eye.

The next time you’re tempted to go after the bad boy, remember there’s a reason we call him bad, and there’s also a reason we call him a “boy” and not a “man.” While dating somebody dangerous can be fun, we’d encourage SPW to try a “nice guy” type and compare and contrast. Remember the element of danger might be initially alluring, but a quality man that does you right is what’s ultimately satisfying.

Dear M&J: Online (Not) Dating

Dear M&J,

I'm a professional woman who just turned 30 recently. I work long hours and find it very hard to make time to date. After a particularly long dating drought (seriously, it's been over a year), my friends convinced me to join eHarmony for 3 months. Turns out, it’s been a bust so far. First, there are the guys that are not even slightly attractive to me, who I delete immediately (what’s up with all the overweight dudes on there?). And there are the ones that I’m scared to communicate with but interested enough not to close out -- the 38 year old lawyer who lives an hour and a half away from me, the chubby finance guy who otherwise seems like a good match, and the really hot guy who I know would never go for me. Whenever I start communicating and send my special eHarmony questions to them (you send pre-drafted questions first before moving on to open communication), their responses suck and a lot of them can't spell to save their lives! I have yet to venture out on a date with anyone from eHarmony. Am I doing something wrong? How can I make this online dating thing translate into an actual date?

~Online (NOT) Dating

OND, we have to commend you for following your friends' advice and taking a little stroll into the world of online dating. When you're working long hours and making time for meeting Mr. Right just isn't possible, it's a smart move to go online. Today, online dating is a normal, socially acceptable form of dating and more and more professionals are hitting the web to find their mate. We know plenty of people who have gotten married after meeting online, so we give you a virtual pat on the back for gettin’ out there.

Online dating has some serious advantages to the face-to-face dates of yesteryear. First off, you can screen potential dates whenever you have free time -- whether it’s at 5am for 20 minutes before you head off to work or at 11pm for an hour while wearing pajamas and eating leftover Thai takeout. You don't have to spend hours picking the perfect outfit or doing your hair when you hop onto eHarmony to evaluate your matches. We also love how thorough eHarmony profiles can be, covering everything from a guy’s profession to his religious preference and interests. It's the equivalent of walking into your neighborhood bar wearing an invisible cloak and having a sign on every man’s back listing his most crucial stats. By having eHarmony’s matching system pick your guys, you avoid having to stop every 5th guy on the street to see if you click or not.

Let’s focus on your approach to online dating. You talk about the guys that are not attractive to you that you delete immediately -- huge mistake. The problem with dinging all the somewhat-uglies is that looks have no correlation to a man’s character. A handsome man won’t necessarily equate to a quality boyfriend/husband. Even if a guy doesn't look like he's your type, he might be so amazingly funny and charming that it’ll make up for his lack of good looks. Ever feel the overwhelming urge to close a guy out because he’s wearing the world’s LOUDEST Hawaiian shirt in his profile picture? Not so fast! The guy’s favorite little niece may have brought back the hideous shirt as a souvenir for him from Hawaii and while he dons suits all day, that Hawaiian shirt may have sentimental value to him. The crazy shirt becomes sort of adorable at that point, don’t you think?

You also talk about the 38-year-old lawyer who doesn't live particularly close to you. He might be older than the guys you usually date, but how do you know you won't connect in a way that will make age insignificant? And, yes, he might live an hour and a half away, but maybe when you meet him you'll learn that he actually works in your city and only goes "home" certain weekends until he can sell his place and buy something closer to work. You don’t really know all this until you dig a little deeper.

As for the “really hot guy” that you think won’t go for you, we have two bits of advice for you. First, we must shake you. Why the feelings of inadequacy? Send the guy a few questions! Capitalize on the fact that this is all virtual and the worst possible thing that can happen is he’ll close you out. Big whoop – move on to the next match on your list. Second, we must urge you to avoid going only for the hotties. You can mix the gorgeous fella in with that 38 year old lawyer and a few not-so-hotties, but don’t limit yourself! Chances are high that the hot guys are getting more attention from other women on eHarmony so competition is going to be stiff. And if the guy has tons of lovin’ coming from every angle, he’s less likely to (1) respond to you in the first place and (2) be down to committing to you if you do hit it off. You don’t have to go on a search for Mr. Fugly, but definitely consider more than just the profile picture when deciding who to date.

As far as the answers to the questions go, we’re going to have to tell you to keep on truckin’, toots. If you’re freaking out over a guy’s lack of gusto in his responses to your questions, remember not everybody has the gift of the written word. The not-so-great speller might be an analytical genius who writes computer code and is on his way to becoming the next VP of a software engineering firm. The guy with the crappy grammar may have learned English as his second language and be full of amazing life experiences to share about his home country (French countryside, anybody?). Of course, if the answers the guy gives you are completely antithetical to what a proper human should be giving, close the guy out and keep going. You’ll have 5-10 more matches in your inbox tomorrow anyway. Sometimes, you just have to sort through a bunch of guys to find the one that’s going to be great for you. Online dating takes patience.

Now when you make it to a real date, chances are it will take more than one date to really know if there is anything worth pursuing there. When you interview for a job, you usually have callbacks or multiple interviews. If even corporate America is giving candidates a second look, you should definitely be giving your possible Mr. Rights a second chance to woo you (absent heinous behavior, of course). After the second or third date, feel free to say sayonara if you aren’t feeling him.

Don’t be discouraged, OND! Things are going to work out. And when you become an eHarmony success story, let us know!