It’s easy to feel completely in
control of your emotional life when you’re single. Although life is never without its
complications, yours truly has hardly ever felt emotionally out of control as a
single woman. In fact, I have often
taken pride in having rational, non-emotional responses in a lot of situations
where other people would have lost their marbles. Flying off the handle, I thought, was for
other lesser beings.
Enter Ben.
Ben is a wonderful guy I started
dating a few weeks back. Let’s just say
that on the grand scale of things, I have no reason to be angry at him. Well, hardly ever. Ben is a well-intentioned man who I have been
friends with for a long time. And dating
him has made me realize that there was something to the old adage that the best
friendships make the best relationships.
Because I have known Ben long before he ever wanted to get in my pants,
I trust him in a way that I never trusted my ex, who saw me as a sperm
receptacle from day one. All this is to
say that I usually don’t have any reason to doubt or be angry at the poor guy.
I recently returned from an amazing
vacation to Cancun with some college friends.
Much to my surprise, Ben offered to take me to the airport and pick me up. Since he was never one to be punctual, I
told Ben right at the onset that tardiness is a major pet-peeve of mine. And to his credit, he hasn’t been late (for
the most part) ever since.
Ben was punctual when taking me to
the airport. He was also on time when
picking me up. Sort of. While I was on vacation, my
girlfriends started saying, "Maybe he'll he bring flowers for you at the
airport? Or have a present waiting for you!" My immediate response was
laughter. Flowers? I’d be lucky if the guy wasn’t 30 minutes
late. But as I was on the flight back
home, my girlfriends got to me and I began to wonder – Would he be waiting for me with red roses in the distance? Would he be holding a box of my favorite cupcakes? Then, my mind wandered even further . . . would the guy even be standing at baggage
claim waiting for me? Or was he going to
be like my platonic male friends who always used to pick me up outside by the curb?
I got my bag and cleared
customs. I walked out to the waiting
area. No Ben. I then walked out onto the curb. No Ben.
I called Ben. No answer. And before I knew it, I could feel a hot,
angry rush of blood going up my neck and into my temples and ears. I texted him a relatively snarky note: “Ben, did you forget to pick me up from the
airport? If so, kindly advise within 20
minutes and I will make alternative arrangements.”
Feeling rejected and disappointed,
I turned away to go sit on a bench off of baggage claim. Then I heard Ben yelling at me from his
car. I walked over and as if to add insult to injury, he didn’t even get out of the car to help me with my bag.
I had to shove the bag into his trunk myself and, let's be honest, at this point, I was mad as hell.
Why was I dating this guy again?
Needless to say, I started off what
should have been a happy reunion basically barking at him. Unknowingly, he asked me, “Why are you so mad?” After dancing around the issue, I found myself
saying in utter frustration, “I have abandonment issues, okay?!?!” I was so humiliated that I didn’t even talk about
how I didn’t like how he didn’t appreciate him making me haul my own luggage into the trunk.
Let’s put this all into perspective. All that Ben knows is that he was circling the airport for 25 minutes before I finally made it into the car. He was at the airport (on time) when
my flight landed even though I didn’t call him the entire time I was in
Cancun (yes, despite my better judgment, I was testing him). And only 5 minutes lapsed between
the time I cleared customs to the time I was sitting in his car. I know that in Ben's mind, he did everything right -- from volunteering to pick me up at the airport to excitedly yelling my name with anticipation when he first caught a glimpse of me in the distance. How is he supposed to know that while I was in Cancun I dreamed up how great it would have been for him to wait for me at baggage claim with a fresh bouquet of flowers -- I didn't even know I expected that till my girlfriends put the damn thought in my head to begin with, so how should he?! If I know all this, then why
was I, the self-professed queen of emotional control, yelling at this poor,
sweet man?
Baggage, women. It turns out that relationships expose all
the weirdness that you could usually muffle around your friends and colleagues,
perhaps even your own family. Sitting
out on the curb at LAX for those few minutes suddenly turned me into that 7 year
old who had been recently abandoned by her father. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. Is it fair to Ben? No way. Is it human? It sure is!
What should you do in this kind of
situation? Be cognizant of your own
baggage. What seems to set you off? What significant life experiences do you have
which could affect your romantic relationships?
When you see yourself acting nuts, take a step back and ask yourself
what’s at the root of your fury – is your baggage affecting you? Then when you’ve had time to think about it, talk
about it with your man. On an evening
stroll this weekend with Ben, I asked him to step in and help me out the next time I’m
carrying something heavy -- like luggage. He said he
would. It was not a big deal. There was no need for me to be mad.
When you’ve been single for a long
time, it’s easy to avoid your baggage.
And although avoidance might be a good survival tactic in certain
situations, it's completely ineffective where baggage is concerned. You need to be aware of your
baggage so you can ultimately overcome it and have a healthy, loving
relationship. So date away, ladies. But be less angry. Be more mindful. Practice self-control. And know your baggage. It’ll pay off.
Posts
